you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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