I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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