I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Enjoy the penises
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
