She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
