i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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