we have pet lesbian snakes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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