i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
