i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
