So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
