Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
