new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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