What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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