i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
is wine microwaveable?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
