Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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