I feel great
I just peed on a car
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
50% drunk capacity currently
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
