also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
