do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
