Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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