Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
