Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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