I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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