It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
