How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dicks are not precious.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
