I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
