She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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