I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
