Please, let me fuck your mom
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
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So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face