someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
