We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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