I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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