the condom got lost in my hair
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
