i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
