i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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