i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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