I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
