Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is Oprah even human
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
