I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
