Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So squirting runs in the family.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
