i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You may now shotgun with the bride
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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