Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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