I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
handjob tips. give me some.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
