ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
