Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
