her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
