i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
there's paper in my vomit.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
