I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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