The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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