I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is Oprah even human
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
A+ Viking dick
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
