Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
