O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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