he thought i was a dude.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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