She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you had me at cake vodka
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
