Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
