did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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