I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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