Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Found your dick twin last night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
