My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
