I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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